Once again, we had an amazing church service this morning at Latechurch where I felt like God was speaking directly to us. After a very rough morning and news of what feels like our millionth failed month and first failed round of fertility treatments, I desperately needed some time with God to get my mind right. I wanted to share some of the key points from today to remember later and in case anyone else needed this as badly as we did.
“So many times in our lives we say we want to feel God. But we don’t want to feel pain.”
Wow! That one hit home. How many times do we pray to God for things and tell Him we want to be more like Him and to draw closer to Him, but then we don’t want any of the growing pains? I know I am definitely guilty. We pray, but we only want God’s answer to go one way: our way. We doubt God. We get angry when we suffer especially when it seems some people have it so easy.
God doesn’t always deliver you from the fire…at least not in the way you expect.”
It’s so very hard when you’re going through something so painful or trying in your life to not wonder “Why?”. Why is God allowing this to happen? It’s hard to not blame God or be angry at Him when you see so many people abuse or take for granted their ability to have children when you would give anything for that blessing at least once. However, when we’re asking all of these “Why’s”, we should really be asking “Where?”. When Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego were thrown into the furnace they knew that God was with them. Either He would deliver them or they’d be in Heaven with Him…no matter the outcome they were ready for what God would have for them. It’s in the fire that God reveals Himself to us the most. My mom has always said that it’s okay to pray and beg God for what we want. He never tires from hearing from His children and He encourages it! But we have to be willing to accept whatever answer He gives us. That’s the hard part. There is nothing that I desire more than to be a mommy. I want a baby that is part me and part my beloved husband. I want to experience all of the joys and even the pain that comes with carrying a life inside me and giving birth. I want to raise children and share all of our adventures with them as we watch them grow and experience the world around them. The idea that we may never get our dream of having our own children or worse…none at all is gut wrenching. How do you get to the point where you can accept that? When we say “Your will be done”, do we really mean it?
Fire Does Two Things:
- It destroys or consumes.
- It refines
My prayer is that God teaches us the lesson that He wants us to learn from this battle with infertility. We were never promised that this life would be easy; in fact, we were promised the exact opposite. I know that God is in the fire with us and will never leave us…not once. I know that the rejoicing will be 1 million times more amazing and special to us after we’ve gone through the hardest trial of our lives to get there. There has not been a single day of my marriage with Ryan that I have not thanked God for creating him and bringing Him into my life after so many years of prayers and loneliness. I have not once taken him for granted. I know that it will be the same way with our children if it be His will to give us our dream. As difficult as it is, I’m going to stop praying for the fire to end and start praying for the fire to refine me.
“BELOVED, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice insofar as you share Christ’s sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when His glory is revealed.” 1 Peter 4:12-13