Life sure can throw a lot of storms your way. We’ve been thrown some crazy curve balls in our marriage (as everyone does in different ways), but God has never let us down. I could list example after example after example where God has taken care of us in ways that we never could have imagined. Stress about money? Bonus comes through for work or re-enlistment covers our entire $10k+ IVF cycle for our babies. Stressing about finally getting to apply to flight school? Picked up first round go and one of the first classes to EVER have the availability number of his dream aircraft (the hardest helicopter to get in the Army). Terrified of not being able to have kids after 3 failed rounds of infertility treatments? First round success of IVF with strong, healthy miracle twins!
So why do I have moments where the fear seems to overwhelm and swallow me whole? Why do I stress about things that are beyond my control, but are the deepest desires of my heart?
I try not to be terrified that I won’t get to bring my 4 waiting embabies home. What if my Graves’ disease keeps me from being able to conceive again or carry to term? What if I can’t get pregnant before we PCS and we are sent OCONUS and I can’t get back for another transfer? Will we finally have a duty station of our dreams and get back up North or OCONUS? This verse hung in my bathroom in Savannah and I prayed it and believed it every day of our fertility treatments. I’m believing it once again!
“He gives the barren woman a home, He makes her the joyous mother of children. Praise the Lord!” Psalm 113:9
We wrestle not against flesh and blood and the devil sure knows my weaknesses. The most important thing in the world to me has always been family. That’s no secret and I can’t even turn my back and pretend that it’s not true. So where does he attack me? Loneliness in waiting for my dream husband to come along. Infertility, Secondary Infertility, distant family abandonment.
“Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.” 1 Peter 5: 6-8
I refuse to let him win. I’m still human, but I believe that my God is bigger than all of this. I have to pray and have faith that He can turn situations around for His benefit. If hearts will not allow that, then I pray He heals me, my husband, and my kids’ hearts and fills that void with His love.
“For my father and my mother have forsaken me, but the Lord will take me in.” Psalm 27:10
“Behold, I am the Lord, the God of all flesh; is there anything too hard for me?” Jeremiah 32:27
“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” Psalm 147:3
“When you’ve done everything you can do, that’s when God will step in and do what you can’t do.” 2 Corinthians 12:10
I know that I NEVER tire of my kids wanting me and needing me. I want to give them all of the desires of their hearts, so how much more does God desire to help us through all that we’re up against? He’s already performed so many miracles in our lives. He has been so faithful to us in everything, so who am I to ever doubt Him? My flesh is weak, but I know He’s in control! Praying His words over our lives!